Who changes the toilet paper roll?

I used to be the noticer in our house. My days were full of noticing. I was very good at noticing. I would go as far to say as I was verging on PhD level noticing status.

I’d start my day noticing which light bulbs needed to be changed, the loads of laundry that hadn’t been taken to the basement, and that my son likely needed new shoes - evident from how much exertion was being used to get them on his tiny feet before heading out for school. And what is that on the front porch light fixture? Cob webs again?

On the train, I’d notice the e-mails we hadn’t gotten back to:

Subject: It’s time to schedule your child’s teeth cleaning!

Subject: Nola is due for a rabies vaccination

Subject: Tried calling. Get back to me asap.

“Fuck. Leave me alone”. I’d think. “Email my freaking husband”.

I’d open my book bag and notice a crunched up green flyer:

Crazy hair Day + Canned food drive! Tomorrow!

I’d notice we didn’t pack any canned foods for tomorrow’s early rush out the door. I noticed and hoped I would remember.

The day would end when I walked in the door and the magnet stared at me from the plumber we still hadn’t gotten ahold of. I had noticed the previous week that there was a weird slow drip in the bath tub.

And when I went into the room with that very bath tub, I noticed an empty toilet paper roll.

I need you to read this

I’d move through my days exhausted and stressed. Frustrated that I had so much on my plate. Curious about how my husband seemingly had the time to watch his favorite sports updates and had the skill to turn off whatever was in his brain to actually enjoy it.

And then I got less curious and more resentful. I felt angry. And as a classic “I’m fine” type of girl, I really resented the idea that something would be happening to make me so angry that even I would admit I was mad.

One day, I walked downstairs and there were just so many things to notice. I couldn’t take it anymore. All of that noticing was making me crazy.

“I need you to read this” I texted my husband. I sent him this Emma Clit cartoon.

As you read this, you might start cursing my husband. The issue here is that my husband is actually lovely. The loveliest. He is kind and patient. He is generous. He is a helper.

But I needed him to add one more quality - noticer. A quality that socialization had never introduced to him. As mad as I was, I knew that some of this was the fault of society. With that being said, it was now his adult job to take care of honing the skill.

So, we started to talk about what I was noticing. And how exhausted I was by it. And my husband took it to heart. More so, he put it into action.

Over the past few years, my husband has worked on being a noticer.

Letting go

And while my husband has been noticing, I’ve been unnoticing. While my feedback to my husband was that he needed to notice more, his feedback to me was I needed to give myself permission to not always notice everything.

“Easier said than done”, I would express.

“If I don’t notice life will fall apart”, I’d say.

“I get that”, he’d respond, “but I am going to work harder to make sure I notice and we’ll deal with the stuff that falls through the cracks together”.

I had to trust him. So when there was a pile of mail on the kitchen counter, I would just plop it on his desk. When an email came through that I wished they’d have sent directly to him, I would forward it. When the grass a little tall, I’d let it get a little taller.

Now, a lot of relationship experts might lead you to believe there are specific ways to navigate this shift without it ever looking a little ugly.

I am not that relationship expert. I am realistic because if I wasn’t I would be a hypocrite.

Sometimes, I stomped out of the room because I would be so frustrated that the bill that I had been promised would be paid was forgotten.

Sometimes, I did passive aggressive crap that I am not proud of. “Oh look, the toilet paper roll is still empty in the powder room. Let’s see how many days it goes”.

I don’t want to lead people to believe that the shift towards creating more balance is always pretty. That there is a magic conversation. That there is a way to handle it that negates the reality of being human.

And, what I do know is that we both tried really hard.

I tried harder to express myself clearly - without the passive aggression and silence.

And he tried harder to notice and take action.

We had many conversations.

It took work. But it was some of the most important work of our relationship.

Last Night

Last night, I was in the kitchen and it hit me. The kitchen was clean and stocked and the sink was empty. There weren't piles of mail on the counter, unopened. There hasn't been in years.

I walked into the living room and sat on the couch. The blanket was folded beside it. A magical fairy didn't do that. A person did.

And the Netflix turned on because someone pays that bill.

And when I went to the bathroom at the end of the night to wash my face I glanced over at the toilet paper roll and ...it was full.

And it's then that I noticed that I don't do as much noticing anymore. In fact, I think very little about a lot of things in my home because my husband owns them. And there are a lot of things I own and he doesn't have to think about either.

It took work to get to a more balanced load. But we got there.

So I took a moment to notice that change...and to make sure I was being vocal about it by expressing appreciation for all of this work that's happening, seemingly, by magical fairies.

Make sure that you take time to notice all of the things that "just happen" in. your home. Notice the effort it takes. Appreciate it.

And, if you're the only one noticing, take a pause and have a conversation about what needs to change.

xoxo

Liz